Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Saying goodbye after saying hello

Each time I walk into my mother-in-law's (mil) room at the hospital I say hello. I'm keenly aware that soon it will be time to say goodbye. There is nothing worse than knowing this. There's so much to say yet even if I say it all, it won't be enough. I'm afraid I'm forgetting to say something but the fact is, it doesn't matter any more.

A couple of years ago I wrote about goodbyes. They're hard. But the last time I had to say goodbye to someone, it was different. She controlled everything. I wasn't watching her waste away to nothing. I was angry but the anger was different. Everything was different. I didn't have to explain it to my kids (well, not at great length). I didn't talk about it much. I have to explain this. We talk about it every day. It's in our face all the time. Breast cancer is as much a part of my life as being a parent, running a business, breathing. I hate it.

I'd like to say I'm done bitching but I'm not. I'll hold the rest for later. There's only so much sadness I can handle in one day.

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