Sunday, January 29, 2012

They're everywhere

Whatever it is that catches your attention, you'll notice a zillion of them all around you. They've always been there but you never noticed before. Examples:

Deaf folks. My family and my former in-laws used to tell me how they never saw a deaf person until I came around. Apparently I'm like the pied piper of deafies. Now they follow me. No, not quite. They were always there.

Blue vans. Or pink cars. Or whatever kind of car you get. Before you buy it you don't notice how many of them are out there. Then once you're an owner, you see them all over - like you're in the club or something.

Twins. And triplets. I had no idea just how many twins were in my high school when I was there. I never thought about it. And yet every time we go out, we see another family of multiples. They were there all along and I never noticed.

Single parents. I thought I had the only single parent mom when I was growing up. I never met another person who had a parent who died until much later in life. They were around me but we don't wear signs saying "MY DAD DIED - HOW ABOUT YOURS??". I never knew they were there.

Disease. I had no idea how many people had Parkinson's or cancer until those diseases came into my life. I can spot someone with a tremor in a second. Someone with no hair or returning hair following chemo catches my attention now. They've been there all along and I just didn't notice.

Death. People die every day. I know this. But it doesn't really affect my life so much. It does now. There is my mother in law, former high school classmates, other mommy bloggers who have either died in the last few weeks or will soon. I know it's a part of life. That whole circle of life thing. I don't care. It sucks.

I generally tend to think I'm at least slightly antisocial. I don't join clubs. Yet here I am. I'm a member of all of those clubs now. They've always been around me, my eyes just weren't open. I wonder two things: what else will open my eyes and when will I be able to stop noticing the bad stuff?

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Setting Goals

I am a great goal setter. I am not a great goal achiever. I may or may not have a few issues related to being easily distracted. I'm not confirming anything. But it's possible.

I think I'm going to set a big goal. And if I announce it, I'll have to do it, right? I'm *thinking* about walking a very far distance to raise money for breast cancer. Most of the people in my world know breast cancer has a very real presence in my world right now. I've got a mother in law fighting for her life, two childhood friends are also fighting and other types of cancer making its presence known in my life. I feel helpless.

And I feel like a big couch potato. And a not-so-awesome role model for my kids.

So if I did it, it would be good for me, good for the fight against cancer - win/win.

The thought of adding something so big (the training schedule) to my life seems insane. But the thought of DOING SOMETHING seems awesome.

Thoughts? Advice? A slap upside the head?

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Saying goodbye after saying hello

Each time I walk into my mother-in-law's (mil) room at the hospital I say hello. I'm keenly aware that soon it will be time to say goodbye. There is nothing worse than knowing this. There's so much to say yet even if I say it all, it won't be enough. I'm afraid I'm forgetting to say something but the fact is, it doesn't matter any more.

A couple of years ago I wrote about goodbyes. They're hard. But the last time I had to say goodbye to someone, it was different. She controlled everything. I wasn't watching her waste away to nothing. I was angry but the anger was different. Everything was different. I didn't have to explain it to my kids (well, not at great length). I didn't talk about it much. I have to explain this. We talk about it every day. It's in our face all the time. Breast cancer is as much a part of my life as being a parent, running a business, breathing. I hate it.

I'd like to say I'm done bitching but I'm not. I'll hold the rest for later. There's only so much sadness I can handle in one day.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

A New Year, A New Me

I was quiet all during December on here but my life was anything but quiet. Insanity prevailed but I won't go into all of that.

So it's a new year. This is the time for me to make resolutions, right? I'll stop swearing, eat more veggies and strive to be happy. Uh huh. BTDT (been there, done that). Not too successful.

This year I have decided not to make resolutions. Hopefully I'll make changes. Here are my goals. You can tell me how I'm doing periodically.

1. I'd like to be more calm, not yell so much.

2. I'd like to live like a grown up. It's time I stop living like I did when I was 20.

3. I would like to eat vegetables more than once a week. I wouldn't really like to do this. I feel compelled to do it. We'll see how this goes.

4. I want to be a better mother. I need to figure out how to raise girls who grow up confident, secure and smart. I want their life to be better than mine.

I can't be the only person I know who makes resolutions/things that we don't call resolutions. So what are yours?