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Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Words

Words are funny things. You can't touch them. Some people can't see them; others can't hear them. But they're important.

Once you say a word - it comes out of your mouth or off your hands - you can't take it back. I wish more people realized that.

Some words are awesome. Everyone knows my three favorite phrases:

1. I love you (add either mommy or sweetie at the end of that, depending on who's saying it)
2. Cancelled, BILLABLE!!

3. You're right, Judi

Those are all good words. They make me happy. Lots of other words make me happy as well. My co-worker who told me my hair smells good when she hugs me - those were good words. The client yesterday who told me she was grateful to have me there - again, good words. The comment "You're beautiful when you smile" made me do just that. However, the "I'm smarter than you" pre-teen crap I occasionally get from my kids isn't so good. Some other things I've heard lately are harder for me to get out of my head. I hate that. I envy those folks who can just let things slide. That doesn't work for me.

I like to have fun with words. I have one friend who is skilled with puns. Those words make me laugh. Listening to my children try to figure out new vocabulary in English and French makes me smile (and feel quite proud when it's not curse words). Language is an important part of my life. It's part of my job - I'm constantly analyzing how people use vocabulary. The words you choose tell a lot about you. The way one uses language either draws me in or turns me away. People forget about that. I think folks just take words for granted - I know I do. I forget that words hurt. I've had to apologize to my children on more than one occasion. The phrase "I'm sorry" goes a long way but it can't erase what's been said. Life would be much easier if it did.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Life is Easy

Life shouldn't be this tough.

Love should come easily.

Laughter should be part of every day.

The good should always outweigh the bad.

Tears should only come with laughter.

So let it be written, so let it be done. So says Queen Judi.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Have you seen my voice? Or my ovaries?

Somewhere along the line I have lost my voice. Really, I still have a voice but I have an inability - a paralyzing fear sometimes - to use it. I feel like a wuss. I feel like I have no balls or, more accurately, no ovaries. After all, I never had balls (thankfully).

It's kind of funny. My job often includes being the voice of someone. I can do that. Those words aren't mine. I have no responsibility for that.

I have a lot to say, really. I want to tell some people in my life that they're very important to me. I can't. I want to tell others that I'm not happy with the relationship I have with them. I can't do that either. I just kind of go through my life not saying much of anything. It doesn't do me any good.

I grew up feeling I didn't have a right to think certain things. I wasn't supposed to call boys. I wasn't supposed to go out - even to the grocery store - without lipstick. There were a bunch of rules I was supposed to follow but most of the time I didn't. When my mother would find out I called a boy, went out without lipstick - whatever stupid rule it was, I would get a lecture. I spoke up then but somewhere along the line I think I realized that people didn't really listen to what I said. Then I just shut up.

Sometimes the quiet is because I have no tact and I know it. I worry so much about what I'm going to say that it's just easier to say nothing. Sometimes it's to avoid a fight. Sometimes it's to avoid hurting someone's feelings. Sometimes it's because I know I have so much stuff pent up in me that if I start to talk, it won't end. Rarely is it because I have nothing to say.

I think people who grew up with me would not describe me as quiet. I was a chatty kid. I'm still a chatty person with those I'm comfortable around. Then something happens and I'm quiet. I think my ex, my current, my friends would be surprised at all the thoughts that go around in my head. I tell my kids every day that I love them. I listen to what they say, their fears, their dreams or whatever it is they want to tell me. I don't ever want them to think their voice is unimportant. It is important. Always.