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Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Goodbyes

Goodbyes are never fun. There are many different kinds of them. There's the "see ya later" when we're leaving the mall variety. There's the "goodbye, my friend" to the person who makes me laugh most in the world and moves across the country. There's the "goodbye" that can't be spoken because sobs will happen in between glasses of sangria for a lost friend. There's the "goodbye, my heart is breaking" I feel when my kids are staying with their dad. So many kinds of goodbye, and none of them are good.

I can live with the "see you laters" because I really believe I will see them later. I've learned from some of the other kinds that I shouldn't assume that. Now a lot of my goodbyes include more feelings, even a couple of "I love you"s. I think my showing of emotion is startling for some but I never again want to wonder if people know how I feel about them - especially when sometimes they're gone before I can tell them.

I've had a lot of goodbyes lately. Goodbye to my friend who moved across the country. Goodbye to my old life, which while annoying at times, was familiar and comfortable. Goodbye to my children who I have to share now. Goodbye to a friend who was in so much pain she made it a permanent goodbye. I'd like to say goodbye to the guilt I feel about that but that's sticking around a little too long.

Not all goodbyes are bad. Saying goodbye to my friend who relocated was hard but technology keeps me feeling close. And the move was good for her (so I'm forgiving her in my WWJD way). Saying goodbye to a life that made me anxious and insane isn't bad. I can even live with saying goodbye to my kids because it makes the next hello all the sweeter. The goodbye that is permanent is harder to take. There will be no more hellos for (hopefully) a long, long time. Each goodbye changes me, some for better and some not.

I'm ready for some good hellos. My children's voices saying "Hello Mommy!" when they call me on their way to school is great. It wakes me up and makes me smile. The friendly "Hello!" texts from friends make me laugh and usually arrive at points in the day when I need a smile the most. I wonder if I pull out the old Ouija board if my permanently gone friend will say hello, but fear keeps me from doing that.

I wish I had a glass of margarita or some other fruity, happy drink in my hand. I'd raise my glass and say Hello New Life! Hello to the friends I miss. Hello to the world I still have to discover. Hello!

Monday, May 10, 2010

The happy things that happen

Happy things happen when I least expect it. I like that. They're good little surprises that come just when I need it. I'm not sure who controls those things but I'm happy about it.

Today started out pretty crappy. A grumpy client didn't help. A job that went over its end time also didn't help. Then good news arrives in the form of an email. It was very simple, really. A government office asking me for a price quote. Woo-freakin'-hoo. This is what I've wanted - real clients asking me to provide services for them. Awesome. One quick, two line email brought a happy cloud to me.

Then it got even better. I got my first performing arts gig under CSL. AWESOME. And my partner in crime for this event, the amazing Reverend, is by my side in this endeavor. I'm pfp again. It's about time. I hope my happiness is contagious. He needs some, too.

Sometimes happy things happen because someone in the universe knows you need it. Last week was a good example. Last week sucked. S.U.C.K.E.D. There's no way around that. A life was extinguished (at the owner's hand). My world was rocked, as were many of the worlds of my friends. Happiness seemed very far away.

Lots of said friends (and some new ones) got together to remember the good times of the friend we lost. Many pitchers of sangria later, the memories seemed to fade a bit but the laughs were still there. Happiness peeked its head in briefly to keep us all from crying.

Happiness comes in weird forms. For example, there is nothing that makes me happier than being called a "mother fucker cock sucker" during the neighborhood poker game. That means I won a major hand against a certain neighbor. Happiness again.

Happiness is a good thing. I need more of it. The cool part of happiness is that when I think there's none left, no happiness near me, it just appears. Thank you Karma, God, Guardian Angels or whoever is in charge of letting happiness visit me. Much appreciated.