Same Old, Same Old...

I actually write quite a lot but don't often publish things.  I hold things for a bit.  Sometimes I think things are too personal or not interesting to anyone other than me.

I originally wrote this in January 2022.  I find it hasn't changed much in the last year.  This year the doctor was the gynocologist and the time lag between now and the last appointment was much, much longer than with the dermatologist.  I was genuinely disturbed that I didn't know how many years I missed in there.  In one way, it made sense because I had been taking care of my mom and was a contractor so the time I took off for appointments was for her, not me.  But holy smokes, that's a lot of years that just blurred together.  The doctor said I wasn't the only one experiencing this.  I don't know if she's telling me the truth or just being polite.  Either way, it bothers me.

The first blog post of this year mentioned Groundhog Day in the title.  That's a theme that keeps coming up for me.

I went to the dermatologist earlier in the week.  He asked if I knew the last time I was there.   

Uh, maybe a year or so ago?

No.

Longer?  I know it was pre-covid but I don't know exactly when that started other than it was in March of whatever year. (I know this because while I can't remember shit, I can remember when Sophie entered our lives.)

No.  It was 2019.  You were supposed to come in the following year.

Right.  But then covid hit and you didn't want to see me (or anyone - I didn't take it personally).  I have no idea when doctors started seeing people again.  I have no memory of time.

And right there is the zinger.  I have no memory of time.  A coworker texted me today saying she'd like to go back to the office because it's been two years since she saw anyone.  Two years.  She said her kids were in middle school.  I thought they were still in elementary school.  I lost those years.

For me, the covid years really mean I can't remember anything.  I go to the dentist every 6 months because they send me reminders (which I greatly appreciate).  But I can't tell you the last time I see any other doctor (other than my rheumatologist because they won't give me more meds without seeing me).  I have no idea when I was last in PA or when I saw my friends there.  Other than my kids, I don't see my family.  I haven't been to a beach since 2019 other than to scatter my mom's ashes (and see my brother for the first time in 2 years).  I haven't gone anywhere (I'm not counting Geneva because we were there to get a job done so that wasn't a vacation).  I think our last time away was in 2019 in Sanibel Island.  That's a long time.

I'm always pretty surprised when Friday rolls around because, really, all the days seem the same.  I have different meetings on different days but none of it changes much. 

Andrew jokes about how odd it will be when we have in person meetings again.  Will he remember not to yawn loudly (he's muted during his meetings so no one knows if he yawns or talks to me or does anything else).  Will he stop muttering what the fuck at his screen or will his coworkers hear him?  I can't imagine what my world will look like.  I didn't even get dressed today so the idea of 5 days of different outfits and pants every single day is so odd!

I have some friends I'd actually like to see but they aren't socializing, which I get.  There are others I also want to see but they post all the places they go and all the (unmasked) people they're around and I have to weigh the consequences of that.  It's depressing and lonely.

People talk about when this is over....but I don't think it's going to be over.  I think this is it for us.  We'll have to learn to live with it but the world we knew before is gone.  Between the politics of the last administration and this, now we know who the assholes are by refusing to mask, refusing to vaccinate, refusing to be a good person. I'm sad that I know so many of them.

UPDATE:  I see more people now, though just a few. People don't hug me which, mostly, makes me happy.  I am still masked most of the time.  Andrew and I are two of the very few people in my world who haven't had covid.  I'd like to keep it that way.  In fact, I got another booster last night in preparation for my weekend (a class in PA which folks from around the country).

We've been to a few concerts and one play (Hamilton!).  We're masked the entire time.  It's all still strange to me.  I miss my old world.