What would Judi do?

It's the last day of what can only be described as a year I don't think I'll ever forget.  I think most folks describe this as a shit show year and for the most part it was.  But somewhere along the line in the middle of the stay at home order, I realized it didn't all completely suck.  That's about as positive as I get. So, looking back on 2020, what good things happened?  Let me go down the list. 1.  We adopted Sophie and shower her with love daily.  She has done more for us than any of us have done for her.  I love her.   2.  I got a new (to me) car and it's fancier than anything I've had before.  I like this. 3.  I got a new job.  I have responsibility now - not that I didn't before but this is different.  I can plan to retire. 4.  I have seen a lot (read:  A LOT) of Maryland that I hadn't explored before.  We have visited:     The Calvert Marine Museum - who knew otters and seahorses were...

I am a rule follower.  Most of the time.  Especially when it's not a big deal to follow the rules. Then there are those other times. Don't steal.  I can do that! Don't kill people.  Yep, it's a challenge but I'm doing well with that one. Be nice to people.  I try really hard.  I succeed more often than not. When super pregnant with twins and put on bedrest?  Not great at following those directions. What exactly do you mean by bed rest?  Do you mean I need to stay in my bed or can I lie down in other places? That was not the first time my doctor was exasperated by me. When I had pneumonia and wasn't supposed to be working?  Eh, what's your definition of "not working"? I can put in a few hours.  (Twelve hours later) I think I'm overdoing it a bit..... Social Isolation or Distancing.  First, what the fuck does that mean?  Oh....really?  I can't go out?  I can't be within 6 feet of people.  I'm fine ...

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day and it dawned on me.  I did this life wrong.  Sort of. I am well aware that I've not done any part of my life the way I thought or the way I should have (at least according to my family and my 15 year old self).  It's not been a shitty life.  I just made it harder than it needed to be. So back to my friend....we were talking about things and I said I needed a gap year now. DING DING DING!!! I'm completely fried from the job I'm doing now - running my own business (though I've dwindled that down to barely anything) and managing someone else's business.  That will be over soon enough.  But then what?  I'm taking a few weeks to catch up on things, though nothing exciting.  Doctors appointments, cleaning, unpacking from the move last year .  Turns out, I'm really, really skilled at avoiding things I don't want to do.  Now I'm forcing myself to be a grown up. Holy hell, Rockhill!...

It is a rare thing when I am flustered and giddy to the point of being nearly speechless.  It happens, but rarely.  It happened on Wednesday night. And to think I almost didn't go. A few months, I saw that Midge Ure was touring and would be at a venue I had never gone to on a work night. Let me break that down a bit: 1.  Andrew was going to see someone he didn't love but knows I do because I love(d) Midge Ure forever ago.  While he's never been a jerk about this, I'm still aware when he's not enjoying himself. 2.  It's at a venue I don't know and as someone with anxiety, that's kind of a big deal.  I've been known to ditch shows (where I'm a patron, not an interpreter) because of it.  Granted, it's been a while but that feeling is always there. 3.  It bothers me when people who are engraved in my brain in one way are old and can no longer sing.  Or when they were hot shit long ago and still think they are but they're not. 4....

When someone told me they were 53, it sounded old.  It still does.  But now that's me.  Fuck. I'm old. I have not had a good 50s year yet.  I was taking care of my mom through most of my 50th year.  Then she died two weeks before my 51st birthday.  That was a sad year.  I can't tell you much about 52.  It was a busy year.  I moved in with my partner, prepped my kids for college and tried (and failed) to figure out what I want to do with my life. Fifty three.   Fifty three.   Any way I say it, it sounds old.  This is the first year I feel old.  When I look in the mirror, I'm surprised by what I see.  The stress of the last few years is evident now.  I have lines I didn't have before.  I have two children in  COLLEGE.   I'm super proud of them but it still feels weird.  I am old enough to be the parent of several of my interpreters.  That's horrifying.  It's not the first time...