Crisis or Anger?
I posted a blog piece the other day on facebook. It was titled The New Midlife Crisis for Women (http://www.oprah.com/sp/new-midlife-crisis.html). I was fascinated to learn that I AM NOT ALONE. I have become angry. I have become motivated. I'm on a mission.
For what, you ask? It's not really to find happiness because overall I'm a pretty happy person. I am in love with someone who is kind and respectful to me. I have two children who make me laugh. A lot. I have lots to be happy about.
But I'm also angry. I'm tired of knowing that my male partner is treated differently that I because of his anatomy. I'm tired of feeling like my kids are going to have to fight the same battles my mother did. Angry over SO MUCH STUFF. So what is my mission? It can't be to make the world fair. That's not going to happen. I don't want to learn acceptance. I'm not entirely sure what my mission is. Maybe it's to light a fire under my girls so they'll be the change of their generation.
The blog brought up many topics. My friends comments brought up just as many. The first thing that struck me was I am not alone. I had no idea so many women were as frustrated as me. I had no idea so many of my friends have experienced the injustices that anger me - simply because of a perceived difference of ability based on their anatomy. I have a major problem with this.
"Part of the reason we don't know much about women's midlife experience is that the focus has often been on men." My partner reinforced this for me today. He expressed that most people, when thinking of a mid life crisis, think of men. First, I don't really believe "mid-life crisis" is the correct term for me. I'm not out buying a fancy car (though, don't get me wrong. I really want one but I'm so fucking logical and frugal that my kids' college education comes before me getting a car.). I'm not having an affair and have no desire to have one. I do, however, want to run away on a daily basis. Part of that stems from living in a country I no longer want to live it. I am tired of living in a country that believes women are a lower priority to men. We see it daily in the standard approach to healthcare, reproductive rights, the glass ceiling, the mom-tracked professional career.....I could continue but you get it. Part of it is being responsible for EVERYONE. And part of it is from accepting the fact that I am lower on the priority list than just about everyone else.
Now, truth be told, I allowed that to happen. But in reality, there's little to be done about that. In this age of people moving away from family, there is no one to help when someone (often the mom) becomes overwhelmed. That's no one's fault. It just is. Sometimes there is no one else to make sure my mom is safe (when she lived independently) or is secure (when she's living by herself in a nursing home). There is often no one to take my kids to (name the activity). There has to be someone to listen to them when they have a threat of violence in their school (that one sucked), or they're feeling bullied or neglected. Someone has to listen to them. And yes, I realize how incredibly lucky I am that my children talk to me. I know many folks who aren't that fortunate. They don't know who their kids are hanging out with, getting (often bad) advice from or what class they're struggling with in school. I am lucky. I'm aware of that.
The money discussion in the blog post was fascinating to me. I really had no idea other women were like me. In my marriage, I was the common sense spender. I knew what we could afford - and what we couldn't. My perspective was dramatically different from that of my spouse. I would argue that my frugal approach is smarter but I'll say he's happier. His level of concern is so much less. This shit keeps me up at night.
"When a woman takes time off to care for a sick relative—and it is usually the woman who takes time off—the potential cost in terms of lost wages and Social Security benefits averages $324,000 over her lifetime." I cannot tell you how many days, weeks, I've lost to taking care of a sick kid or a sick parent. Yes, having children was my choice. Yes, I knew my entire life I'd be taking care of a parent. I never thought about doing both simultaneously and certainly not as a single parent.
I've been thinking about this stuff for days. I keep coming back to the idea that social media does some harm to women. In many ways, it's fabulous. I keep in touch with family and friends that I wouldn't otherwise see. I have learned what it means to have privilege, that my politics really don't make me a communist and, probably the most important part, I am rarely alone in my thoughts. There are others who feel gun control needs to happen now, that all women, regardless of economic status, should have access to healthcare and menstruation products - all sorts of stuff. It also encourages the idea that the grass is greener on the sides where your friends are. After all, they're traveling to Europe, islands - all the places you dream of going. They have family to watch the kids so they can take a weekend away. They have this fabulous life.....but sometimes they don't.
Several years ago, I saw the pictures that an acquaintance had posted. I sent her a message, probably sounding slightly jealous when I commented on her beautiful pictures of her European trip. You have a wonderful life, I commented. Only when she responded, "I am in the middle of a nasty divorce. I don't see my kids daily. My friends from my married life don't talk to me. Tell me again what a great life I have?" did I realize that she did the exact same thing I do. She posts enough to keep family up to date, to keep friends abreast of some current events. But none of the serious stuff is posted. It makes sense. No one is going to post "had a whopper of a fight with my husband. I hid in my kids' room because I was scared of what was going to happen." No one posts "my father in law not only doesn't recognize me but has a new partner in the alzheimer's unit of the nursing home." No one posts "my kid hates me. Again." So we never see the hard stuff. It's easy to glamorize the good stuff when the bad stuff doesn't seem to happen to them.
So short of making facebook a bitch-fest, what's an angry woman to do? I'm not a big believer of complaining about problems without providing solutions. But I don't really have any solutions here. But I'm kind of at a loss here. Suggestions anyone?
For what, you ask? It's not really to find happiness because overall I'm a pretty happy person. I am in love with someone who is kind and respectful to me. I have two children who make me laugh. A lot. I have lots to be happy about.
But I'm also angry. I'm tired of knowing that my male partner is treated differently that I because of his anatomy. I'm tired of feeling like my kids are going to have to fight the same battles my mother did. Angry over SO MUCH STUFF. So what is my mission? It can't be to make the world fair. That's not going to happen. I don't want to learn acceptance. I'm not entirely sure what my mission is. Maybe it's to light a fire under my girls so they'll be the change of their generation.
The blog brought up many topics. My friends comments brought up just as many. The first thing that struck me was I am not alone. I had no idea so many women were as frustrated as me. I had no idea so many of my friends have experienced the injustices that anger me - simply because of a perceived difference of ability based on their anatomy. I have a major problem with this.
"Part of the reason we don't know much about women's midlife experience is that the focus has often been on men." My partner reinforced this for me today. He expressed that most people, when thinking of a mid life crisis, think of men. First, I don't really believe "mid-life crisis" is the correct term for me. I'm not out buying a fancy car (though, don't get me wrong. I really want one but I'm so fucking logical and frugal that my kids' college education comes before me getting a car.). I'm not having an affair and have no desire to have one. I do, however, want to run away on a daily basis. Part of that stems from living in a country I no longer want to live it. I am tired of living in a country that believes women are a lower priority to men. We see it daily in the standard approach to healthcare, reproductive rights, the glass ceiling, the mom-tracked professional career.....I could continue but you get it. Part of it is being responsible for EVERYONE. And part of it is from accepting the fact that I am lower on the priority list than just about everyone else.
Now, truth be told, I allowed that to happen. But in reality, there's little to be done about that. In this age of people moving away from family, there is no one to help when someone (often the mom) becomes overwhelmed. That's no one's fault. It just is. Sometimes there is no one else to make sure my mom is safe (when she lived independently) or is secure (when she's living by herself in a nursing home). There is often no one to take my kids to (name the activity). There has to be someone to listen to them when they have a threat of violence in their school (that one sucked), or they're feeling bullied or neglected. Someone has to listen to them. And yes, I realize how incredibly lucky I am that my children talk to me. I know many folks who aren't that fortunate. They don't know who their kids are hanging out with, getting (often bad) advice from or what class they're struggling with in school. I am lucky. I'm aware of that.
The money discussion in the blog post was fascinating to me. I really had no idea other women were like me. In my marriage, I was the common sense spender. I knew what we could afford - and what we couldn't. My perspective was dramatically different from that of my spouse. I would argue that my frugal approach is smarter but I'll say he's happier. His level of concern is so much less. This shit keeps me up at night.
"When a woman takes time off to care for a sick relative—and it is usually the woman who takes time off—the potential cost in terms of lost wages and Social Security benefits averages $324,000 over her lifetime." I cannot tell you how many days, weeks, I've lost to taking care of a sick kid or a sick parent. Yes, having children was my choice. Yes, I knew my entire life I'd be taking care of a parent. I never thought about doing both simultaneously and certainly not as a single parent.
I've been thinking about this stuff for days. I keep coming back to the idea that social media does some harm to women. In many ways, it's fabulous. I keep in touch with family and friends that I wouldn't otherwise see. I have learned what it means to have privilege, that my politics really don't make me a communist and, probably the most important part, I am rarely alone in my thoughts. There are others who feel gun control needs to happen now, that all women, regardless of economic status, should have access to healthcare and menstruation products - all sorts of stuff. It also encourages the idea that the grass is greener on the sides where your friends are. After all, they're traveling to Europe, islands - all the places you dream of going. They have family to watch the kids so they can take a weekend away. They have this fabulous life.....but sometimes they don't.
Several years ago, I saw the pictures that an acquaintance had posted. I sent her a message, probably sounding slightly jealous when I commented on her beautiful pictures of her European trip. You have a wonderful life, I commented. Only when she responded, "I am in the middle of a nasty divorce. I don't see my kids daily. My friends from my married life don't talk to me. Tell me again what a great life I have?" did I realize that she did the exact same thing I do. She posts enough to keep family up to date, to keep friends abreast of some current events. But none of the serious stuff is posted. It makes sense. No one is going to post "had a whopper of a fight with my husband. I hid in my kids' room because I was scared of what was going to happen." No one posts "my father in law not only doesn't recognize me but has a new partner in the alzheimer's unit of the nursing home." No one posts "my kid hates me. Again." So we never see the hard stuff. It's easy to glamorize the good stuff when the bad stuff doesn't seem to happen to them.
So short of making facebook a bitch-fest, what's an angry woman to do? I'm not a big believer of complaining about problems without providing solutions. But I don't really have any solutions here. But I'm kind of at a loss here. Suggestions anyone?
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