Goodbyes

Goodbyes are never fun. There are many different kinds of them. There's the "see ya later" when we're leaving the mall variety. There's the "goodbye, my friend" to the person who makes me laugh most in the world and moves across the country. There's the "goodbye" that can't be spoken because sobs will happen in between glasses of sangria for a lost friend. There's the "goodbye, my heart is breaking" I feel when my kids are staying with their dad. So many kinds of goodbye, and none of them are good.

I can live with the "see you laters" because I really believe I will see them later. I've learned from some of the other kinds that I shouldn't assume that. Now a lot of my goodbyes include more feelings, even a couple of "I love you"s. I think my showing of emotion is startling for some but I never again want to wonder if people know how I feel about them - especially when sometimes they're gone before I can tell them.

I've had a lot of goodbyes lately. Goodbye to my friend who moved across the country. Goodbye to my old life, which while annoying at times, was familiar and comfortable. Goodbye to my children who I have to share now. Goodbye to a friend who was in so much pain she made it a permanent goodbye. I'd like to say goodbye to the guilt I feel about that but that's sticking around a little too long.

Not all goodbyes are bad. Saying goodbye to my friend who relocated was hard but technology keeps me feeling close. And the move was good for her (so I'm forgiving her in my WWJD way). Saying goodbye to a life that made me anxious and insane isn't bad. I can even live with saying goodbye to my kids because it makes the next hello all the sweeter. The goodbye that is permanent is harder to take. There will be no more hellos for (hopefully) a long, long time. Each goodbye changes me, some for better and some not.

I'm ready for some good hellos. My children's voices saying "Hello Mommy!" when they call me on their way to school is great. It wakes me up and makes me smile. The friendly "Hello!" texts from friends make me laugh and usually arrive at points in the day when I need a smile the most. I wonder if I pull out the old Ouija board if my permanently gone friend will say hello, but fear keeps me from doing that.

I wish I had a glass of margarita or some other fruity, happy drink in my hand. I'd raise my glass and say Hello New Life! Hello to the friends I miss. Hello to the world I still have to discover. Hello!